~ Trapped ~

On many of occasions, I find myself on the edge of madness.
Am I more than a collection of memories or might you prefer a reflection of your thoughts.
How do you tame an untamed heart? It is I suppose constantly beating on its own.
When my sleep comes,  my torments will cease... until then I seek an illusion.
Everything ever created, every blood pulsating through my veins, finds its demise at the last breath.
I guess today my vision is blurred... once again.
Yet another dawn... I step over the line.When does it ever end ?

~ Unreachable ~

All alone in the dark ~ yet so close to you.
Steps to where you sleep ~ my eyes awash with tears.
Flowers in hand ~ glimpses of your smile.
How time flies ~ memories come alive.
Just a touch ~ just a whisper ~ forever gone.
Walk away I must ~ return I always will.
I am here ~ words lost in the wind.
Sunset has come ~ until we meet again.

Last Gaze !!!

Tears streaking down ... to a valley of scars.
I am no stone....the pain is real.
Pity the fool...rejoice in misery.
A soul aches...hearts on a beat.
Is it all real....or a sweet dream.
Give away your heart...suffer you must.
Love seeks all... finds the lonely.
Feel the rhythm...Dance always.

Be Still !!!

Come along friend...don't be afraid.
Reach for the stars....planets but a hop.
Jump off the ledge....land on life.
Open your wings...clouds part of journey.
Drown in the sea...breathe in the beauty.
Feel the moment...enjoy the ride.
Life is but a glimpse...end but a breath.
Close your eyes...unlock your heart.

On the precipice of illusion !!!

How glorious the heavens...refuge of the stars.
Glow of the moon....reflection of my longing.
Where do i belong...stardusts a plenty.
I stare up at the night sky... twinkle in my eyes.
Harmonious blue giant... but an ornament in blackness.
Restless heart...embrace of the gods.
Is it all a mirage...madness moves in.
Infinite beauty...how sweet the sleep.

Stepping over the ledge !!!

My mind wanders...Am i nothing but a thought ? 
 Empty words carried by the wind...fall on bleeding hearts.
  Chasing my breath...the hour at last.
   Drowning in darkness....my soul on fire.
    Journey to the unknown...sanity on the run.
     The fatal wound...the last drop...shadow retreats.
       Wind at my back...angels lend a hand.
         It is time...fly...fly... you are free.

On the path to life !!!

On a real gloomy day with thick clouds all over the tapestry of the sky, I got the sense that the day was a reflection of my inner being. I was walking alone in a forest not quite knowing where the trees would lead me. I surely did not think this was a dream because it started to rain and i could feel the water crashing on my face . Deep down I sensed I was suppose to be following a path that will take me to a magical place. It was waiting for me to show up.

As i approached a pond , i found a most amazingly beautiful white horse drinking from it. What was it doing there in the middle of the forest ? If this was a dream, I would have said this horse fell from the heavens. It raised its head and the eyes were twinkling like the stars. I suspect it could actually read my thoughts. I felt the need to go towards it. As I started to run my hand across its smooth skin, it kind of made a bobbing motion to hop on to help me complete my journey.

I then went gently trotting in the forest with my new companion, trusting her to know my destination. After a while, I started to find myself in a field of beautiful flowers of all sorts, like some kind of a secret garden in the forest. And the weirdest thing was the sky was getting brighter and brighter as i made my way in, the rain was no longer and the sun was making its way through. I picked up a sound coming amidst the garden, a distant musical sound. As i came closer, I saw this radiant woman playing the piano and all around her butterflies. They were everywhere in the garden flying in tune with her music. The sun's rays bouncing off from her hair and her skin looked so smooth. She was wearing this silky white dress that seemed to be floating on her. She was the most beautiful woman i ever laid eyes on. It was a moment frozen in time that took my breath away. Was I in the presence of an angel ? At that instant, she turned to me and smiled. I felt so alive, like my heart was about to explode. Who was she ? As I walked slowly in her direction, the music was just phenomenal, like the air and the sounds were one.

When I got closer I became mesmerized by her beauty, and then suddenly, she stopped playing. She looked up at me and smiled again. Who are you ? I whispered. She then answered with the most soothing voice " I am life...I've been expecting you ". And as I bent forward to embrace her, a peculiar thing started to unfold. Everything before my eyes started slowly to dissipate into the thin air, including her. She was a figment of my vivid imagination... a mirage after all. As I now stood alone in the forest, I tell you this, I will never forget that moment. I called her name but I got no answer. I looked up to the sky wishing it wasn't so, but then it started to rain again.

So long my friend...

No ordinary tears....children of a lesser God !!!

I will tell you a story...a true story. It took place many years ago. It is about a little boy no more than 9 years old at the time. I remember the events well... I was there. Come along for the journey... I will do my best to take you back to that night....one that still haunts me to this day.

It was a day unlike any other day and the boy was not like anyone you had ever met. He was different. He had been born into a world where he does not belong. He was not suppose to live but he did. From the moment of his birth, his second home was in the hospital. His mom was advised to abort but she declined after taking pills for morning sickness that ended up damaging the fetus. He had countless surgeries to lessen the blow on his fragile body. He had missing organs, a crooked spine, a dormant heart problem, a distorted left leg and worst of all, his left hand was deformed . His parents were devastated, especially his mom. She hid him from her friends. Imagine at the moment of birth, a mother gazed upon the baby and realized her worst nightmare had come to life. This was his mother’s dilemma. What is the avalanche of emotions going on in her mind? I can only imagine her sorrow and madness fighting to gain Control. You see it is utterly impossible to hate or dislike a baby no matter what the Circumstances are. Many of nights she cried her heart out holding this child. Throughout the years , he had many surgeries and to this day suffers. I reckon his life will not be long, I cannot really say, who am i to know, only God knows. Now let me take you to the day i mentioned.

Oh what a day this was...a glorious day. The mother told her son that there was a special priest who came into the country from far away, possibly Canada, I don't fully recall this part. He was here to perform miracles...you know , get people to get up from their wheelchairs & walk again, cure whatever disease you had like cancer or diabetes....anything serious i suppose. And maybe, maybe this little boy's left hand. Can you stop reading & imagine for a moment how this boy felt. In his heart, he was going to get cured and be made whole again. Can you see it his eyes? look again...

That night, the mom went with the boy to the church where they were having this extraordinary event. By the time they got there, the church was full. They had to stand all the way in the back. The little boy could see the priest somewhat. He could hear him talking and the people near the boy were whispering how he made a woman who was paralysed walked, a man in pain for years was now pain free, and countless stories moving around a hush hush setting. They started to collect money from the people there. About 15 minutes into the ceremony, there was a black boy perhaps in his teens, i would guess him to be 16 or 17. He fell to the floor and started screaming so loud and all of his limbs were flapping in all directions. He had a white foam spewing out of his mouth. Imagine you, the church was pretty quiet before this guy started screaming. The priest interrupted his preaching and looked towards that area and said for people to take him outside. He said that this boy was possessed by the devil and now God was making his way into his soul. He was so to speak being cleansed. After a few minutes it got quiet again except for the voice of the priest . About this time , it was almost over and nothing had changed yet for this boy. He was starting to have silent tears in his eyes and his mom hugged him tight. That's when the priest said something amazing that made our boy smiled again....oh...how i remember that smile. The priest said not to be discouraged if you were not cured here tonight that God would visit you wherever you are to perform his miracles...all you have to do is keep praying...our little boy had hope yet again.

When they got home, he went straight to his room to start praying because he wanted to get a head start. His mother helped him pray and then he was left alone. I gather that he fell asleep begging God to give him a normal hand by morning...he probably told God that he will be a good boy and that he will do whatever God asked of him....that night he gave his heart to God...and then his eyes closed.

When the morning came and that 9 year old boy opened his eyes, his left hand had remained the same. God may have been in his room that night but he surely did not grant that boy's wish... but why ? the priest promised . It would be so easy for God to do this...Did he not pray enough ? How could God have abandoned him ? He started to cry and called out his mom. She came rushing in not knowing if really a miracle had taken place or not. He then said to his  mom," my hand is still the same " . The mother knelt down by her son and hugged him and cried with him and told him that it was ok...she loved him with all her heart. And they cried....and cried.

I have often thought about that night and how that little boy will forever be scarred believing a man of God. How he trusted the mere words of this mortal man only to be let down...That priest was only there to collect money and to deceive countless people who came with hope in their hearts...That other boy was a trick to get people to believe that the devil had possessed him and that he was being cured by God at that moment. A plan well thought out. How he preyed on people who had come with a wish...poor, poor little kid.

How evil the world we live in. How evil it is indeed...

The father hearing his son crying came in the room and held him , kissed him on the head and said " we love you , don't you ever ever forget that , you are our son " and the boy with tears in his eyes looked up at his father and barely could get the words out said  "Dad, are you proud of me? " " of course " said the father."why" replied the son . The father then looked the son in the eyes and said  " because you are a good son " .

The little boy has now become a man and his father passed on a few years ago but those words will stay with that kid until the day he himself takes his last breath...until the sun goes out from his eyes.

The point of no return !!!

I keep having the same dream over & over again....I found myself on a sailboat sailing away with no bearing in particular....just splashing waves. Not forgetting the fact i come alive when the ocean and I meet. On occasions, not surprised by this phenomenon, my dolphins friends are always in tow. The wind is so calming and the water so majestic that one truly feels part of the universe. At night, oh...the heavens are lit up . The shiny moon is just at my reach and the stars are like little eyes watching over me. Where am I heading ?.... I asked the ocean. At that instant , the wind whistles a tune to the sails and they flapped as if someone or something had guided them to do so. I am not alone....i whispered. I feel at peace . I am not afraid. As the night lifts up its veil and brings up the rising sun with its rays bouncing over the water and reflecting some type of shadow, more like ghost like. Is it my guardian angel ?

After many days and many nights or more like months i felt my destination was unreachable.  Then one day, don't remember what day it was,  i stare in the distance and found myself looking at some sort of an island . All indications tell me that there is not suppose to be an island there but there it is. Is it a mirage ? Am i hallucinating ?  The wind then picked up more force taking the boat faster like i had a rendez-vous with fate. I made my way on shore , it seemed unreal but the sand was solid...no doubt about it. The trees were like a forest and fruit trees at every glance...where had all this come from ?  Walking inward to look further....i came upon the most undescribable water falls....just picture it for a moment....the water was coming out of the mountain like it was some sort of fireworks...i had the feeling of when i found myself dancing & singing  in the rain....breathtaking...I let out a big yeahhhhhh....and guess what....a bunch of different types of animals starting appearing out of nowhere like magic...horses, zebras, elephants, lions, monkeys, birds and so on and on and what's weird they all were getting along...there was no king amongst them. Circling up in the sky were hundreds and hundreds of doves...oh...what a sight...you should have seen it....just divine. What does it all mean ? " i don't know " answered the awareness watching the dream unfold. But why does it haunt me on many of nights ? still no answer. The doves are still dancing  up above... Then i walked back in the direction of the path i came from and noticed that the boat was gone. What was happening to me ? I wondered if i ever came here on a boat...was i stranded here forever ? i was like in a fantasy world. How would i leave ?  i kinda love it here but am i suppose to stay? " Reality is sometimes harsh and life not fair"....says the awareness " but you belong to the real world and return you must"...how?  i asked...."you will figure it out...you always do "  said a strange voice. How many of us were in this dream?  Perhaps my unconscious is forming a personality that is not I,  but which is insisting on coming through.

To tell you the truth , i did not want to leave the island. Secretly , the awareness was wishing that I could not find a way off this dream world....oh what torture it is ... I had never felt so free and alive like this before. I felt like i was an intricate part of the fabric that makes up the universe...the state of mind where you know this is why you are alive... And the most important detail of this story is that there were no humans around to pass judgments...this dream world was off limits to humans because if they were allowed on the island , they would ruin everything made out of pure love ....the lion would then become a king, the land exploited, envy , greed , hate and pride would be in their hearts....survival of the fittest would be rewarded.... " You have learned a valuable lesson this time around, you recognized evil for what evil is , now go back and live your dreams " said the strange voice.

As darkness was slowly drifting away and light embracing the air, i awoke from that amazing world. I wondered if ever i would return....only the night knows...only the night !!!

Unbreak my heart...what's left of it.

I have been stabbed a thousand times and yet I do not die...
The vultures up in the sky circling circling in anticipation of my last breath...
Darkness slowly devoures my spirit...
My suffering is at end or so it seems...
Mercy me...

Heaven's on fire !!!

The agony of shame...
prisoner of the mind...
misery begets misery...
darkness all around...stars on the run.
heartless shadows invisible to the wind...
the seas dry as the sun...
heavens wonder...and hell awaits...
I shall never surrender !!!

The madness !!!

It is amazing to see how a person puts in very little effort and gets the trophee while another one puts their heart & soul out and never get to even have a chance to leave the starting line. But always remember,  in life nothing is what it seems, that trophee might actually turn out to be just a plain vase....imagine that.

Dont play by the rules...

Isn't it ironic?
We ignore the ones who adore us
adore the ones that ignore us
love the ones who hurt us
& hurt the ones who love us.

Bruised Ego...I suppose....

At my weakest moments...I've made myself looked like a fool...
I've been betrayed by my own heart...yet again.
I have nowhere to hide...it is from within that i am tormented.
My own mind has taken me prisoner...
I struggle against a formidable opponent.
Am i doomed to forever be seeking peace and yet never to attain it?
I have known all along the secret to happiness is to love yourself so that you may give love to others.
If you get loved in return...it is merely a bonus.
But my mind makes me believe otherwise...promising me false love.
Love is not out there...it comes from within.
The pursuit of finding love is an illusion created by the mind.
In essence... love is a fool's game... I must admit.

Out of the abyss !!!

Once upon a time in a far away land, there was this beautiful woman. She was smart , witty and popular. She had many followers , many of whom she never met . She loved getting the attention. But then one day another man from a different world saw a bright light from a distance and walked towards it beckoning lost souls ...only to realize she was the one glowing. At that time, he had no direction in his life and his breath was getting shallower. His darkness was quickly swallowed by her radiant aura.  He became intoxicated with her ... just like the other men and had on many occasions fall prey to her scent. But one day something happened, this drifter had somehow managed to reach the abyss of her soul and tear drops started to flow down from her cheeks as in a river looking for the sea. They looked like stars dropping from the heavens. It seems like a veil was lifted off her face just for a second just enough for this stranger to see that she was herself a prisoner and tormented by her fears .....she was lonely despite all her friends which all were somewhat imaginary. They belonged to a world devoid of touch. It was her only distraction from  her sorrows. That lonely traveler got up and walked towards her to wipe away her tears and to to say his final goodbye,  otherwise he himself was losing his grip on his own sanity. He kinda felt sorry for her whether she knew of it or not. Both were trying to write their destiny ...both had restless hearts of the same beat. One day, that lonely traveler had the wind at his back and walked into the sunset never to be seen again hoping that one day...she would be ok.

The kiss of death...

What if i told you a story. Come along for the ride...seat back and relax...

It all started with finding myself walking along the shoreline. i don't know how i got there, but there i was.
It was a beautiful day, the sun's rays bouncing off the water and in the near distance i saw a few dolphins bobbing their heads up and down. I got the feeling that they were there to witness some kind of event. I noticed i didn't have any sandals on, but the sand was not hot. It's like i was floating on air. As i continued to walk , i saw a woman sitting in the distance. She had the most beautiful golden hair that was somehow performing a kind of dance with the wind. As i approached her, i noticed that she was smiling at me. She had such a radiant smile you could ever imagine. I felt  a warm feeling all the way down to the depth of my soul. I knelt down to kiss her on the forehead. I then lay my head on her lap and found myself drifting away so slowly. She kissed me on the lips and whispered not in words but in thoughts not to be afraid. Suddenly i felt an overwhelming peace travel down to the essence of my being. I then closed my eyes for the last time capturing her smile along for the journey. I am free... I am finally going home...At that instant, a loud thunder shattered the darkness of the night sky and awakened me from my other world to realize i was on my bed having a dream...it was only a dream. My journey would have to wait then. So long heavenly messenger, until we meet again...

PRESUMED GUILTY !!!

Yesterday, i was called for jury duty. I have always thought that the justice system is unfair and many times the punishment does not fit the crime. I have seen well to do or people with connections get away with a lot of things. The regular guy charged with similar crimes would be locked up for a long time. As i walked into the courtroom , i saw the defendant seating with his lawyers. He was a black male charged with home invasion with a firearm. The judge read the charges to us . He had 4 counts of felony against him. But what struck me the most is that the judge kept repeating that this man was to be assumed to be innocent until the prosecution can prove the charges beyond a reasonable doubt. The defense had to do nothing . They could just seat there and not respond to any of the charges because the burden is on the prosecution. As i see it the burden is on the defense to instill a reasonable doubt into the jurors mind. I think it is the other way around , he is presumed guilty and it is up to his defense to beat the charges or lessen his punishment. Luckily i was not chosen to be on the jury ...i guess my answers to the prosecutors and the defense that i would not stand for a criminal if he is guilty nor for the law if they are trying to shape it to their likings, in other words corrupt people of the government. And the game continues and the innocent gets caught in the net many times...Hooray for liberty !!! (sarcasm)

GREED

As i am sitting in my backward, a sunny day with bright blue sky and a cool breeze that ruffles my hair whatever is left of it anyway , the tree swaying to the force of the wind . I came across this quote today and i thought how it fits my mood of the day. It's from the Cree Indian tribe.

Only when the last tree is cut; only when the last river is polluted; only when the last fish is caught; and only when there is no breath of fresh air left ; only then people will realize that you cannot eat money.” - Cree proverb

The earth certainly cannot sustain the destruction that the human race is afflicting on it, and one day we would probably become extinct due to our plunder of this gift, planet earth is. We have become a society of needs and self-interests that we are so oblivious to so many people going hungry everyday and children dying of preventable diseases because we are after our financial gain. I have looked down on the face of a hungry child and do you know what i saw; nothing short of what innocence once felt like. it is such a terrible feeling to see the face of a starving child , it wreaks havoc upon your soul to witness such a need. Am i naive so much to hope that one day, no one on this earth will go hungry ; i think it is probably wishful thinking.

I am alive !!!

I am on a mission , i am trying to free my heart from pain and yet if i succeed i would totally be unable to love and without love, life has no meaning....so i must regress and accept my fate. I am alive so therefore i feel !!!  

Eternal beauty...

When I look at you beauty, my heart dances to a different beat...
When I look into your eyes, I am drawn into the abyss of your soul...
When I look at your lips, I want to melt so that we could become one when we kiss...

A dark day !!!

Sometimes people come into your life and leave a mark that can never be deleted...

 
Today I have lost a great friend...

Goodbye Elina...                        

The irony of life !!!

 I see a lot of people posting on their FB status that they wish a cure for cancer. It brought back memories of my own battle with cancer. I still remember the moment my doctor told me I had cancer. No matter how tough you think you are , at that particular instant you become aware that life is so precious and wish you had more time. Isn't it always like that? We get distracted by the pleasures of life which are so minimal that we tend to forget its true meaning. Luckily for me, I suppose ,I'm still here obviously writing this and thankful to my creator for prolonging my life. The idea that it may return is never far from my mind. I think once you have been told that you have cancer...it never really leaves your thoughts...never. Ultimately, we all have to die from something and I am now a different person not because I had cancer but because I am now at peace with the day I will take my last breath. So many people worry about trivial & petty stuff that I get upset when I read them. I am so incline to answer them but I hold myself back because I see no purpose in bringing light to their ignorance. For them their lives are what it should be regardless of life's reality or so it seems.